Sometimes i wish i could feel special to people, that they could feel about me how i do about them. But i guess in order to feel that way about someone they actually have to be special, and maybe i’m just not that kind of person. If only you could select a style of person to be from a list and just download it to your brain. How much easier life would be.

https://flic.kr/p/p1GatY
Anyone with flickr care to favourite this pic for a competition its in!

Starting to believe that the person i think i am only truly exists in my head, as a fabric of my imagination, a distant dream of the person i wish i was. Why do i think this? Because to everyone in the real world i’m about as useful as a wasp. Hover around for a while and i manage to piss everyone off enough for them to swat me away, thinking no more about it once its gone. Or possibly only worrying that it may come back. The thing that upsets me the most, more than that reality is the fact that, i think that this is my best, and with that knowledge, i dont really know where i fit in the world anymore, i dont have anything else to give.

I’m the kind of person that makes the first move in an argument. I think lifes too short and i hate ignoring people when really i wanna make up with em n not miss em. I dont see the point in ignoring someone and being stubborn about it when its really just hurtin me. And so i make the first move, i speak, hug, apologise, wateva it is thats needed. Even if i dont think i should be the first to, bcos of all the reason above i do it anyway. And i’m happy to because then it’s over with. The only downside to it is that its never done to me, and so i never quite know if they feel the same way i do, or even if they wanted it. I never truly know if i’m missed or worth the effort.

I am happy so long as I keep looking outward. Which technically I suppose means I’m lieing to myself. But at the moment I think that’s just gonna have to do.

Sometimes i look at my life and i wonder why i’m still bothering, and then other times i simply try not to think about it.

Is clearly not the person i wanted to be, seeing as not one person seems to appreciate me or even want me around. Must be for a reason.