People wonder why i dont tell my family about my depression past and present. Everyone has something that causes it, or a lot of somethings but normally one bigger thing than others. The harsh truth of mine is that its them. And as much as that’s true, its not bad enough for me to wanna put it on them yet. I would get too much satisfaction from it and besides my mum would use it for the next year as an attention grabber for herself from everyone she knows. No thankyou. So i keep it hidden. I’ve made a couple mistakes recently though, i’ve changed my job so now i’m home with them after work and at weekends and i cant afford to move out and the funny thing is i changed jobs for more money and this is like the downside to it. So i either change it back and be the slightest bit happy or i stay where i am and want to kill myself every other day. I’ve got a 2 and a half week holiday with them and i’m not lookin forward to it in the slightest, i dont know how it even happened, i only wanted to go bcos i got to take a mate. Was something agreed years ago, next time we went, and probs the last hol together, i would get to take a friend, had that option not been valid i would of said no to going. I never thought about the friend deciding no. Then it all was planned and suddenly bam, i’m going on a wonderfully long holiday, without a friend. Its going to be very lonely, and nobody gets that. How do people not understand that you can be lonely around people if they’re not the right people. That some people just make you feel like shit regardless of where you are. O well, so now i really hate my life again and i feel how i always end up feeling, i do love how i keep circling back that just when i’d tried to change it. I think mayb its something that is never gonna change, that it jst is.

Sometimes i wish i could feel special to people, that they could feel about me how i do about them. But i guess in order to feel that way about someone they actually have to be special, and maybe i’m just not that kind of person. If only you could select a style of person to be from a list and just download it to your brain. How much easier life would be.

https://flic.kr/p/p1GatY
Anyone with flickr care to favourite this pic for a competition its in!

Starting to believe that the person i think i am only truly exists in my head, as a fabric of my imagination, a distant dream of the person i wish i was. Why do i think this? Because to everyone in the real world i’m about as useful as a wasp. Hover around for a while and i manage to piss everyone off enough for them to swat me away, thinking no more about it once its gone. Or possibly only worrying that it may come back. The thing that upsets me the most, more than that reality is the fact that, i think that this is my best, and with that knowledge, i dont really know where i fit in the world anymore, i dont have anything else to give.

I’m the kind of person that makes the first move in an argument. I think lifes too short and i hate ignoring people when really i wanna make up with em n not miss em. I dont see the point in ignoring someone and being stubborn about it when its really just hurtin me. And so i make the first move, i speak, hug, apologise, wateva it is thats needed. Even if i dont think i should be the first to, bcos of all the reason above i do it anyway. And i’m happy to because then it’s over with. The only downside to it is that its never done to me, and so i never quite know if they feel the same way i do, or even if they wanted it. I never truly know if i’m missed or worth the effort.

I am happy so long as I keep looking outward. Which technically I suppose means I’m lieing to myself. But at the moment I think that’s just gonna have to do.

Sometimes i look at my life and i wonder why i’m still bothering, and then other times i simply try not to think about it.